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Your turn… Take a minute to step outside yourself, then look inward…. Answer what you want… HERE
“It is what it is.”
“It is what it is.”
Like true love.
Not explainable by words or even feelings or emotions. It just is.
This is the counter to our suffering. 5 short words. 12 letters.
And with this statement, we can accept and embrace the most beautiful synchronicity in depth of love, and at the same time, the most heartbreaking grief in fragility of loss.
Paradoxes of Relationship & Love.
~ "To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go." -Mary Oliver
~ Love is simple, and is so complex.
Paradoxes of Life.
The reality of impermanence highlights the human condition that everything changes, nothing is guaranteed, or truly predictable; nothing is solid, or promised to remain.
Dropping the tendency to grasp and control can actually make us feel safer and more secure in the ever-changing waves of life. This is a paradox because it is our human nature to grasp at what might leave; to cling to what we fear as loss...but as we are able to let go and let be, we find freedom, safety, comfort, and ease.
A Favorite Word…
LIGHT is shine. LIGHT is open. LIGHT is ease. LIGHT is unburdened.
The feelings conjured up by light are more profound and palpable than the mere construct of light as in a ray of sun or an incandescent bulb.
And yet, images of light reveal a visual display that has the power to open all my senses, invoke exhilarating energy, and summons my memory bank…
We have all had turmoil and struggle. We have known grief and loss, and joy and connection. We have known strength and have felt the fragility of life itself. And despite what we face, we still have the power to choose how to be in this moment. We have the choice to carry the heavy load of bricks, or to lay it down. We have the choice to trudge through the depths along the muddier road, or to walk the lighter path. We have the choice to see only clouds of darkness, or to set our vision on the light. We have the choice to be burdened by effortful strain, or to simplify and release. We have the choice to retreat in avoidance, or to lighten in love.
On Breath Training.
This is a discipline. It is not a hack. It is your biology. It is your neurochemistry. It is your precious, sophisticated, intricate system- designed to be leveraged to maximize body function, mental resilience, and emotional regulation; and to optimize health and performance.
This chronic bath of cortisol sends the message to your brain that you are “preparing for some attack”, so, be alert…
And your intelligent brain reads:
DON’T SLEEP- (are you having insomnia or trouble sleeping??)
HOLD ONTO WEIGHT- STORE WHAT YOU CONSUME, JUST IN CASE (are you having trouble managing stubborn weight??)
CONSERVE ENERGY FOR BATTLE (are you fatigued and low energy??)
Bottom line: just BEING in a state of chronic stress response is impacting your entire system.
As Little...or As Much...
There comes a point to which we peak at diminishing returns... excessive anything will end up breaking us down. White knuckling through, squeezing every bit of energy into something, marching through the trenches without regard for grace, or ease, or peace in body or mind...our physical system is overcharged, overcome, overwhelmed. We don't stop to breathe long enough to actually let out our exhale. We hold on tighter, we push harder, we move faster...But we can choose to get lighter.“
Do as little as needed, not as much as possible.”
This is not lazy. This is not procrastination. This is not slacking. But for those of us with decades of compounding overexertion, who have been perpetually training right at the edge- hypervigilant, ready-for-action, overscheduled, pumped up with adrenaline- this is certainly a mindset shift.
The Orgasmic Embrace of Love.
Orgasmic. Get your head out of the gutter...the word doesn’t necessarily relate to sex. But we can start there... what makes orgasm so vital, so inexorable, so compulsory? How do we relate to that word, that concept? The allure, the potency... It must be compelling beyond the account of “it feels good.”…
Whatever moves you to orgasmic… allow it to fill your senses, fuel your passions, invigorate your soul, inspire your words, animate your life…
I will write the quote again; the orgasmic words; a description of love as the pivot point of life; love as the hinge upon which life swings…
Distracting.
These demons that we numb to escape are like wounds that we don’t really heal…they are applied band aids and Neosporin and even sutures, in the form of our distraction protocols… and they scab, and then re-open, and then we feel the ache of discomfort and the drip of blood emerge- and we do the only thing we know… distract, ignore, avoid, and sabotage...
Our big escape from the big wounds also distracts us from the full experience of a full life. This is a fullness in joy and an openness in deeper love and connection. Numb is numb. Distracted is distracted. Not just from the tough stuff, but from the sensual, moving, alive stuff too. Do we want to miss this?
Obsessing.
However obsessing landed, it postured as a protector- a way of doing something about everything, of figuring it out “perfectly” to ensure that I would not again be caught off-guard or threatened, or feel failure or regret, or endure fearful moments of intense loss or panic.
If I worried about everything, played out the worst-case scenario 4-million times, researched every possibility and outcome, then nothing could rock me. The illusion of control.
Dramaturgy.
In this year of much disruption, we may all be questioning our reality a bit. We go through our hours and days and years in our humanness, wanting to believe that our story is solid, but in reality, letting go of our narrative can lead to freedom from some suffocating constraints and self-imposed limitations.
Our assigned roles have become identities, and might just be out of date. Our costumes are like prom dresses from the 80's. Our sets are like paper mache that we slathered with smelly glue in second grade. Our lines have been practiced and reiterated since arguing over a new toy with our sister. Our stage lights are dim, in need of new bulbs to illuminate our inner vibrance that has been kept obscured by our typewriter-keyed scripts.
Anniversary.
365 days into this pandemic, and many additional pivots later, most just as abrupt and unannounced and unpredictable as this anniversary moment... the vastness of this full human experience is something too large to even reflect upon in words on this page.
Deeply feeling the persistent suffering in the world, I offer these thoughts, practices, and succinct directives as an invitation to turn toward healing and connection...
Judgment.
We judge. We label. We recount. We project. We catastrophize. We personalize. We distort.
Our labels and judgments are often turned on ourselves, and often turned on the situation in which we land, either judging it to be “my own fault” or judging a person or situation that has “wronged me”…
We can get so caught up, that we don't realize we are using this judgment as an escape from reality; as a means of coping to not truly feel; avoiding our inner pain by harsh critique and sabotage; reinforcing our “failings”; relying on old models of how things "should" be…
But we are not stuck in judgment.
Endurance.
But, habitual and automatic patterns might also have our mindset framed as, "I will be better when I'm on the other side of this."
We accept this state of mind, and we often use it to help us cope- with an overbearing project at work, with a tough run, with a too-long visit from in-laws...
Perhaps we do this even in full chapters of life- a job that isn't well suited, a disagreeable teenager, a home in need of repair...
Reverse Engineering Our Brain.
I can text the words, "I love you" from 1000 miles away, and can change your heart rate, breathing rhythm, pupil dilation, and metabolism.
Or you could me text something ambiguous like, "is your door locked?" and affect my nervous system in a negative way.
The language centers in our brains, responsible for processing incoming data in the form of symbols (words), are integrated into the same regions that are critical in autonomic nervous system control (respiration, cardiac, endocrine, immune systems). Our intertwined neurons make language a direct influencer on our body's reactions.
The Paradox of Perfection.
Illusion of perfect... If I do things perfectly, then I am in total control.
If I do things perfectly, then I cannot get hurt.
If I do things perfectly, then I will not have the rug pulled out from under me.
If I strive for perfection, then I don't actually have to act on important things because I have the safety net of, "if it can't look perfect, then I'm not playing".
Dukkah.
Suffering is a joyful part of the story.
Because this is where we feel each other.
This is where we find our brave.
This is were the fire burns and where we can come to know freedom.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but FEAR WALKING. Some of the most inspiring humans have spoken of suffering, annihilation, and the connection, courage, and compassion that is born of these moments...I do not think you can aptly speak of these things, without having been through them yourself.
Life’s Many Professions.
MM was young. He was a social worker, and he became acutely and gravely ill with a neurological disorder, landing him on a vent, without warning. His story is not completely unique, because, like so many of the patients I treated during my 12 years in this hospital, he was lying in an uncomfortable, partially reclined bed, without the ability to communicate. And like every patient I met, he had a story; and being in that bed would shape the rest of his story for the rest of his life.
Team Sport.
…the pathway to healing also presumes the truth that we belong to each other.
Healing is not a personal endeavor. When there is suffering, and when we see this interconnection, we can meet another human in truth, even if it is scary.
We can be exposed in our fragility, and ask, will you still walk beside me....
The Simon & Garfunkel song, I am a Rock, could literally make me cry, in the first two notes….
Epic habits to make your routine flow.