Obsessing.
“Under the obsessive thoughts and plans, under the emotions, positive and negative, there is an ocean of peace.”
-Gangaji
Episode 35. SHIFT: 4 of 5 in Series: Escape through Obsessing
Escape through Obsessing
Obsessing. Oh, I could write a book. I actually am writing a book. But this one is not going to be titled “Obsessing”. Although obsessing is so close to me that it has seemed like my nature. It has been engrained as my default, and with me long before I recognized its full expanse and consequence.
Obsessing may have been born with me, or may have developed over time, or may have arrived abruptly on the scene as I was faced with my dad’s sudden death or a number of other “rug-pulled-out-from-under-me-moments”.
Whenever obsessing wove its way into the fabric of me, it arose to provide some sort of relief, some level of coping, some illusion of control.
However obsessing landed, it postured as a protector- a way of doing something about everything, of figuring it out “perfectly” to ensure that I would not again be caught off-guard or threatened, or feel failure or regret, or endure fearful moments of intense loss or panic.
If I worried about everything, played out the worst-case scenario 4-million times, researched every possibility and outcome, then nothing could rock me. The illusion of control.
This grasp at preventing another sudden loss gripped me so tightly that the barrage of unrelenting obsessive, ruminating thoughts became automatic, and sometimes played out as ritualistic behaviors and routine manifestations. Me- routine?!...
But this did not necessarily present itself as a downfall in my life. I was not outwardly struggling. I was “dealing” with the sudden loss of my dad; I was a great kid with lots of friends and high energy who loved doing homework and had a competitive edge in swim practice and meets. At some point, I recognized my autopilot pattern of obsessive thinking, and even started to label myself, “OCD”. There were certainly benefits and even positive “qualities” that came from my “OCD”- diligent study habits, a 4.0 GPA, impeccable attention to detail, no-quit/no-fear work ethic, athletic achievement, professional accolades, energetic connection with people, reliability, and a coping mechanism that gave me a sense of control and safety…
My relationship to control was through hypervigilence.
And it worked.
Until it didn’t.
Tipping point.
Pandemic? Before that? Subtle pokes and prods to get my attention?
Being pierced open to realize that obsessing can actually be an escape from dealing with life…
So I will share what I am learning…
Obsession with grasping a sense of safety and security actually breeds a deeper feeling of insecurity, as it becomes a crippling dysfunction. Obsession is me-focused. It is clinging to a desire for grounding and predictability, and all the while, actually spinning out of control…
Here is what literally happens in the body…we get hooked in a cyclone of looping, ruminating thought, and our body becomes very tight and tense- in a state of clenched resistance. Our brain interprets that we are trying to “figure something out”, to solve a problem, to gain a foothold of control. The purposeful, intentional “problem solving” decompensates into intrusive obsessive thoughts bludgeoning us throughout the day and night. We have now sent our brain the message that this is a critical issue, and our brain reads critical as life/safety threatening- so it pulls out all the stops to respond, as it should, with hypervigilance, negating restful sleep, utilizing its energy on perseverative thoughts, and dedicating utter persistence to this issue. Our obsessive thoughts loop and circle, and we become further entrenched to grasp some control, down a rabbit-hole of what-ifs and should-haves and worst-case scenarios and running plays and cycling through conversations and editing scenes…
Our brain has recruited our mind, body, and heart’s involvement, to the detriment of other body functions, positive experiences, balanced or joyful emotions, and interpersonal connection.
And here we land, in a very out-of-control place, disconnected from ourselves and now coping with biological and emotional dysregulation… a feeling of spiraling… with tension provoking an amplified sense of suffering, so that we grasp even more for some semblance of certainty and predictability and control. We tighten our grip around some narrative that we have been playing out and we reinforce that story by running it again and again, until it feels familiar and real and we are “certain” of this story, however distorted it may actually be… the illusion of control.
And where does all this get us? Stuck on a hamster wheel of hijacked thought, further from reality and further from freedom and peace of mind. Our field of perception narrows as these incessant thoughts interfere with our true experience of each moment of our life.
Woah.
What have I been resisting or pushing away? What have I been avoiding? What has constructed these layers of contraction, built subconsciously to ward off more distress to the system?
Grieving and Mourning.
Theses are the avoidances.
I have realized. Words I used to loathe.
Grief. A word so heavy that it consumed my 10 year-old head-space and overburdened my tiny-framed body. Hearing the word clenched my back into a rigid posture and balled my fists. Grief became something to combat, something to fight against. A threat. A fear. All these grown-ups throwing around this word with a black cloud of - this is now the fate of your family.
Grief. I didn’t understand timeframe or processing or resilience. I just knew that whatever was happening had a “Grief” label, and I did not want it. So, I replaced it with obsessing.
And now, 30 years later, in order to alleviate the obsessing, I am learning to get comfortable with the grief.
Instead of escaping and avoiding the words grief and mourning, I am moving toward them, being absorbed in the wholesome, connecting, natural, and even soothing fortress that grief and mourning can provide.
I am embracing grief as a warm blanket to gently wrap around those moments of abrupt loss and harsh panic- the 30 years-ago loss, and the 30 days ago loss…all of it.
Because I am learning that grief has fortitude- it remains, and it grows exponentially. We cannot bypass it, even with a durable coping mechanism of obsessing… or rushing, or enduring, or judging, or distracting. And to embrace grief, I no longer struggle to avoid it.
I have come to know my grief blanket as thick and quilted- a patchwork of an enduring pain. And in this moment, I am choosing to wrap myself in the blanket and be held, instead of escaping grief through obsessing. I am choosing to take a reprieve from the gripping illusion of control.
I am choosing my book title to be something other than “Obsessing.”…
That was a long one... thanks for hanging with me til the end...
Walking through it,
Jessica
"The what-ifs and the should-haves will eat your brain.”
-John O’Callaghan
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.”
- Paulo Coelho, Alchemist
“Thoughts are only thoughts. They are not you. You do belong to yourself, even when your thoughts don't.”
- John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
SHIFT 5-Part Series: Escape through Illusion of Control.
Exploring our tendencies to escape life through an illusion of control....
We feel a sense of control through rushing, enduring, judging, obsessing, distracting...
When we are controlling our experience, we are not fully experiencing our life.
1. Escape through Rushing
2. Escape through Enduring
3. Escape through Judging
4. Escape through Obsessing
5. Escape through Distracting
Thank you for joining me through the journey. I am grateful.
Do it all with Love. Nothing is promised. But everything is workable.
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