The Saturday After Thanksgiving.
Episode 20. Weekend Edition.
1988. The Saturday after Thanksgiving. 32 years. The annual arrival of this grief-reminder brings intensified emotions- emotions that exist because of the importance of my dad's life.
Each year, grief comes as if we have never before met, to summons a pervasive sense of loss, leaving me longing to be held by the sun and bathed in warmth, away from lonely memories in the sting of cold air. But the low light of afternoon, a dull grey ambient backdrop on a stillness that can be felt as the color white, beckons me to feel deeply.
To process.
To re-play.
The hours that felt like days.
The days that swirled together like a tornado, touching down on reality, then taking off to cyclone through my limited stash of knowledge about the world; innocent and ill-equipped to handle the enormity of life’s offering.
The before.
The after.
The hiding and burying and resilience of a 10-year old.
I have learned a lot on this journey of loss and love...
I have learned that I am not alone. That loss and grief are universal; and actually a unifying and connecting force for humans.
I have learned that the years spent protecting myself from loss only distanced me from life; and avoiding feeling sadness had set me up for fear and greater pain.
I have learned that only in the face of fear, can you be courageous. Only through pain and loss, can you know strength and resilience and healing. Brave does not come to those without struggle. Brave is actually walking through it.
I have learned that missing someone can be embraced. That the deeper the love, the deeper the loss. That there is no other side of grief. There is no pushing through; it is not something you finish.
I have learned that grief is just Love with no place to go.
I have learned that we are all just walking each other home. Hugging and holding. Choosing kindness and choosing light. Seeing joy and being love.
So, today, on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, the anniversary of the last time I saw my dad, I am feeling through it all; embracing the loss of an incredible dad, and loving the fullness of life, complete with tears and smiles.
Today, I am cherishing the person he was, the many lives he touched with his heart and his humor, and the love he showed us every day.
Grateful that he taught me to love, full-stop.
Love is what matters.
❤️, Jessica
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