Until I Realized…

Stillness?

Crow Push-Ups?

I always had a ‘to do list’. Until I realized. I realized that more important was a ‘to BE list”. That contentment lies in the balance of our need to DO and our inherent capacity to BE. That sometimes you need to drop the striving to get somewhere in order to BE Love, to BE Gratitude, to BE Here.

I always had a story of fear. Until I realized. I realized that having fear and showing up to life anyway = bravery. That Love is bigger than fear. 

I always tried to manage life; to feel safe and in control. Until I realized. I realized the freedom in saying, “bring it, Life... whatever you’ve got for me, I can take it. And I’ll use it all”. That the only things I can control are my effort, my attitude, and my responses. Everything else is not up to me. 

I always tried to be perfect. Until I realized. I realized growth comes out of failure, and striving for an unattainable mirage is a sure way to not live in flow of the present moment. I realized that compassion is born out of knowing my darkness well enough to sit in the dark with others; that our shared humanity is recognizing the light and dark and shining together in this connection. 

I always pushed myself harder in order to push down emotions. Until I realized. I realized that experiencing emotions is the vulnerability that renders the world meaningful; that trusting myself to feel what I feel allows me to connect deeper and love harder and shine brighter.  
 
This SHIFT is very real. It starts with awareness. I realized.... 

Yoga. Stillness, Ease, and Mindfulness.

Genuine honestly here- those words did not define my decade+ of yoga practice up until a few years ago. I listened as my teachers said them, and the act of practicing yoga surely required focus, but I was not open to the deliberate intention on stillness that I now embrace. I was in Flow, and my flow included handstands, crow push-ups, and taking my practice to the next level of intensity. Those “challenging” poses became part of me, but I left class before Savasana and I held to my story that “I can’t sit still.”…

I was on auto-pilot- completing the physical routine- in each moment, projecting on to the next activity. While practicing, my mind would be hours ahead; or years in the past. Rehearsing the present; Rehashing the past…anywhere but still and quiet where I could feel vulnerable.

I always recognized the benefits of yoga- I allowed myself to grow and develop as a yogi, I was part of a community, I found mentors and life-long friends, and I devoted time each day for yoga.

But the true transformational power of yoga- that didn’t come automatically, or even in a decade of practice…it was when I chose to align with focus and stillness and presence. Breath. The connection of mind to body. This was my transformation.

Breath. It keeps us alive, and can also bring us to life.

Presence through breath. Mindfulness through breath. Attention and focus on this moment- without enduring, without creating stories, without worry about future have- or have-nots, without work, without striving, without fear, without shame, without hurry, without avoidance.

Breath. The perpetual home-base. Where we can be tuned-in, in this moment, here, nowhere to get to, no place to be. This moment. This Breath.

In yoga, in life, I didn’t want the calm to guide me. I was resistant. I resisted calm. Because, to me, intensity meant success- so I wanted bring it on; bad ass; more is better. 

Then I realized that flow is the opposite of that. Flow just IS.

Flow takes more discipline, more attention, more awareness.

And in flow, you follow your breath. You are in tune 100% with the present breath. And I lost so much of the anxiety, tension, stress that I carried for so long by developing the ability to allow. Allowing the present moment to be how it is; not reaching for more; not needing to control. Allowing.

And here I am, the same Jessica I was 4 years ago, with passion and grit and energy and drive; but also with intention and mindfulness- with presence found in Breath- with discipline not always for more, bigger, faster, but for deliberate flow, deeper, calmer.

Breath.

I am far, far, far from perfect at these things, and that is why it is my Practice. That is why I show up with passion to teach.

Because Yoga made me realize.

...And I still do handstands and crow push-ups….
Start here. Inhale. Exhale.