Splatter-Paint Couch
Not taking things personally is a superpower.”
— James Clear
Episode 53.
Not Personal. Not Perfect. Not Permanent.
The 3 Not - P’s
Why do we (collective “we”, but also pointing to myself, “I”) get defensive, react instead of respond, go down the rabbit hole of obsessive thought, and cause suffering in our minds and bodies, when we take things personally, hold ourselves and things around us to a standard of perfection, and grasp onto an unchanging, permanent state? Well, because this personal, perfect, permanent condition feels safe and secure, and we feel threatened by anything that might jeopardize our “being” in those distinctions.
Not Personal.
“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes when you take nothing personally.” -Don Miguel Ruiz
We make the assumption that it is all about me…
I polled the audience for some illuminating insight into taking things personally… do any of these resonate?
…”I take even the most trivial things personally, even stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with me.”
…”I constantly read too much into things, my mind automatically replays upsetting moments over and over again even though I gain absolutely nothing good from it.”
…”I find myself on the defensive, even if someone just asks a question- and sometimes I snap at my husband, assuming he is criticizing me or my intentions.”
…”Really, I feel judged and attacked by the people closest to me, eventhough it is probably in my own head. It can set me spiraling for days.”
We may take things personally because we actually hold a negative belief that fuels our perception of a situation. If we have a deeply engrained insecurity or lifelong habit of self-shame, then every experience, every conversation, every question, is viewed through that lens…
”Oh, you’re still working for the same company?”, is interpreted as “you have done nothing with your life.”…
“It must be nice to be single and have all that freedom”, imposes the label of “relationship failure”…
“I don’t feel good unless I start my day with a long run”, is felt to imply, you should also get up and run, or else you’re lazy/worthless/fill in the __.
See how easily we jump from a neutral comment or question to a self-imposed critical label; from an external scenario that may be all about the other person and absolutely nothing about ourself, to adverse personalization...
In reality, it is likely that the other person is focused not on us, but on themselves. In reality, we are all just playing out our own self-starred movies and dramas of our minds, so it is our internal belief system which makes us misinterpret, distort, and catastrophize situations. We formulate negative assumptions and inevitably feel this pain of personalization if we don’t take the time to question our thoughts and beliefs.
But, we CAN challenge our reflexive and archaic belief systems. We can practice another P- PAUSE. Take a moment, a breath, to create space and really know that it is NOT PERSONAL.
Not Perfect.
"Ultimately, if you protect yourself perfectly, you will never grow." – Michael Singer
We cope with the unpredictability of life in clinging to some notion that perfect will keep us safe and happy. Perfect does not exist. We may grasp and cling to this veil of perfection, because if everything fits neatly in a box and feels tidy and “perfect”, then nothing can infiltrate, nothing can catch us off-guard, nothing can threaten our sense of safety and security.
Perfect may be born out of fear of being threatened; of being hurt. Perfect is actually a coping mechanism- a way of feeling safe. Perfect is also a means of denouncing all of life’s unknowns- keep reaching and striving so you don’t have to stop and be still with the actual uneasiness of life. Perfection is a motivation of ambition to attain some ideal that actually does not exist- always holding yourself to an impossible standard...which may be just another coping mechanism- a preferred status over the rendering of potential failure.
Not Perfect is a reminder that we are constantly in the throes of a journey- with zig-zags and fractures; forks in the road to navigate and waves to ride; joys to celebrate and sorrows to endure…
If we release the flawed concept of perfect, how much more fully “here” can we be? How much of life can we allow to unfold, if we are not exerting control over each instant by tidying it up to fit into the perfect box? Instead of perfection, can we practice another P- PRESENCE. Being with each moment and in each moment- present over perfect. Because, how much more genuine and real is life, when we can embrace NOT PERFECT.
Not Permanent.
“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world – not even our troubles” – Charlie Chaplin
What is permanent in this life? Well, nothing. But we want permanence. We want our kids to stay babies, our jobs to stay stable, our marriages to stay honeymoons, our bodies to stay healthy… we want our plans to play out in the exact order and timing and trajectory that we had “planned”… we grasp at a constant state… we measure and formulate to create predictability… even when we toss in some spice of spontaneity, we really only want that on our own terms…
Life is change.
When I was in 9th grade, my mom got a new couch. I came home from school and our living room couch was gone. GONE. I literally cried. Hysterically. The feeling was visceral, as if someone was wrenching my intestines. Why? What was this depth of crushing? The couch? Why this agonizing response to a seemingly benign change in furniture?
Looking back, I would conjecture threat. Threat of change = threat to our life. Change can mean loss. We must cope. Coping with the threat and fear of loss might equate to clinging to keep things exactly as they are- including the ugly “splatter paint” 80’s couch that was removed and replaced with a much more 90’s Sacramento green leather sectional.
Change is scary. It evokes fear…fear of the unknown. This is not weak; it is our innate instinct of survival…something rustles in the brush from behind a tree, and our ancestral “threatened alarm of fear” sounds violently…a predator, a looming attack- on guard. Today, we don’t have predators lurking in overgrown vegetation, but we are assaulted by other elements of change, triggering an indistinguishable primitive brain/body response of fear. So, it makes sense that we maneuver to avoid these unknowns. But, in avoiding and denying the assurance of change, we become at odds with the true nature of all things to shift and change, to thrive and then die; to bloom and then wilt. This is not pessimistic; this is not doom and gloom; this is NOT PERMANENT, and it will give us another P- PERSPECTIVE.
Not P’s- a reflection to see things as they are - to see that all we experience cannot be perfect, is not personal, and will not be permanent.
To see these not-P’s involves shifting attention from the content of experience toward the structure. To see things as they are is to unearth our hidden assumptions about ourselves and our world, to bring them into the light of full consciousness, and to notice how, on close inspection, these assumptions often contradict our actual experience.
So, PAUSE, BE PRESENT, and welcome PERSPECTIVE, as we practice NOT Personal, NOT Perfect, NOT Permanent.
Joy is that we are here, and that’s what matters.
Love through it all,
Jessica
“Somehow, in the process of trying to deny that things are always changing, we lose our sense of the sacredness of life. We tend to forget that we are part of the natural scheme of things.”
- Pema Chodron
"Better a single day of life seeing the reality of arising and passing away than a hundred years of existence remaining blind to it."
-The Buddha
“When faced with all the ups and downs of life, still the mind remains unshaken, not lamenting, not generating defilements, always feeling secure; this is the greatest happiness.”-The Buddha
Do it all with Love. Nothing is promised. But everything is workable.
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